Sameer and I sat in the car and the journey towards the new house began. Before leaving the house I had hugged everyone but when I hugged vishakha aunty I felt the warmth of a mother. For the first time in life I understood how you feel when you hug a mother. Vishakha aunty hugged me with all the love it seemed liked and it was getting difficult for me to hold back my tears. Only I knew how I controlled my tears at that time.
I wanted to hug her for few more seconds but then my eyes fell on Sameer and it reminded of the reality. This marriage is meant to end one day which meant that our relationship would also end on same day. I can't attach myself with her as, in few months I will be leaving Sameer forever and then it would be difficult or rather painful to adjust to the feeling of having no mother again. I lost my mother once and the pain still remains, I don’t think I would be able to handle it for the second time.
Life is very unfair, I always wanted a mother and today I did get one but the feeling of losing this bond is not letting me enjoy this short moment of mother daughter as well. My only dream was to feel how a mother loves her child. When I was young, I used to go to play grounds to play and there I used to see mother’s keeping a check on their children, offering them water from time to time, scolding them when they behaved mischievous. On the other hand, I was accompanied by either ramu kaka or some nany who would only do as much as I asked because they feared if they would scold me they might lose their job.
Some dreams are meant to remain a dream, not all you wish for can happen. The best you can do is just accept the reality and move on. Keep that dream within your heart forever.
The road on which we were driving had my house as well and I so wanted to stop there for few minutes. I wanted to see my room where I have spent my entire life and feel the presence of my mother. I needed that assurance that everything will be alright, my room is the only place where I can spend time and feel ok if not better. That room has seen all my tears, my worries and it’s the same room where I have motivated myself to move on in life. I feel safe in that room, I feel as if I can be myself there without being judged or hurt. All these thoughts made my eyes moist. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the window.
After few seconds I heard Sameer's voice "iss raste pe toh apka ghar hain na"
I looked at him and smilingly nodded my head. The smile was a fake one but since childhood no one has ever caught me.
How ironical life is people have time to pass comment on someone else's life when they feel that person has done something wrong but never have time to see a difference between a genuine smile and a fake smile, never have time to see the pain behind that smile.
Why people don’t see a difference between a fake smile and a genuine smile? They too must have gone through bad times and would have faked a smile for some reason? So what happens that they fail to see that fake smile on someone else when they themselves have gone through it? They should easily spot the difference between the two? Or is it they do spot it but find it pleasurable and behave like a sadist? But why be a sadist? Why not spread happiness? Why not help someone to smile? When you are sad you know how it feels how you wait for someone to help you come out of it so why not be that helpful person for someone else?
"Mien janta hoon aap Rakesh uncle or apne ghar ko miss kar rahi hongi. Rakesh uncle toh ghar pe nahiin honge but aap apna ghar bahar se dekh sakti hai" Sameer said.
Hearing him I so wanted to say that papa would be at home but he doesn't want to meet me or see me. Suddenly I realised that if we stop at my house or even pass by my house Sameer would come to know that papa lied about his meeting to them.
I was about to stop him when the car came to a halt and then when I looked around I saw we were infront of my house.
Suddenly the door on my side opened and I saw Sameer standing there. I gave a nervous smile and came out of the car. I wished that for once papa had said the truth and he wasn't at home.
"I think Rakesh uncle is at home" hearing Sameer I closed my eyes tightly. "See his car is there and even the house is open".
I opened my eyes and looked towards the house. I was shocked to see papa standing in the balcony and he was talking on the phone. I immediately looked at Sameer and found him staring towards the balcony only. Can God ever listen to my wishes? He just loves to see me in trouble doesn’t he?
"See uncle is there come lets meet him" Sameer said and with that he started walking towards the door when I held Sameer's hand stopping him from going further. He looked at me with a confused face. I shook my head in 'no'.
"Sameer please don't go inside let's leave please" I left his hand and went and sat inside the car.
I was staring towards the balcony or rather staring at my papa when I heard the car starting and we left from there. In the entire journey I was just looking outside the window and trying to control my tears, thankfully Sameer didn't ask me anything.
I know he must be having lots of questions but considering our situation can I really trust him enough to share my pain? Even my best friends munna and swati don’t know much, if I tell him he would be the first one to know it all. But, can I or rather should I give answer’s to his questions? Does he deserves to know it after what he told me yesterday night? He did tell me about his life, if not all atleast some part so, does that mean even I should share some part?
Finally we reached to our new home oops it was not ours it was his and I'll be a guest for few months. We entered the house and I smiled seeing the house it was small but enough for two people to stay.
"vo wala karma apka hai aap vahan araam se reh sakti hai" Sameer said and I smilingly nodded my head in 'ok'.
I was walking towards my bag when I heard Sameer "may I help you".
I smiled at Sameer and said "nahiin its ok I like doing my own work. I have never made it a habit nor I would like to, of letting other’s help me because I know I have to live alone, I'll manage but thank you for asking".
I picked one of my suitcase and started walking towards the room when Sameer asked "aap apne papa se kyun nahiin mili. Kya aap unse naraaz hain ki unhone aapko bataya nahiin ki vo ghar per hain? ho sakta hai ki unki meeting last moment pe cancel hui ho. kahiin aap iss shaadi ki sachai janakar unse gussa toh nahiin hai? apko unse mil lena chahiye tha"
This was the wrong time for Sameer to ask me this question or explain me things because I was already, very emotionally disturbed. It’s rightly said that from within you want someone to take you out of a sorrow time but when one actually does it you tend to avoid it. Its ironical right? But true too.
"Naraaz or mien? Yeh haq mera nahiin hai or mila unse jaata hai jisse aapse milne ki ikcha ho, jo apse milke khush ho, jiski ankhien tare ki tarah chamke apko dekh ke" saying this I walked inside the room.
I kept the suitcase and then I realised what I said, I shouldn't have said anything. How did I let my emotions win? I closed my eyes tightly in order to calm myself. This whole marriage thing is taking a toll on my health. I have never let emotions win, atleast in front of people, then why I did what I did few minutes ago?
Reality was harsh but no one in this world loved me or cared for me and I know this fact don’t I? Then why after seeing papa today at home pricked me so much? I knew as a matter of fact that he lied yet why it hurted so much? Why couldn’t I act as if nothing happened like I used to do earlier?
I have to act strong I am not weak. God cant win like he always do, I would one day prove him that no matter what he does, it doesn’t affects me. If, such people are called heartless then so it be. I would become heartless come what may.
I slowly opened my eyes and walked back to the drawing room to bring my second bag. I found Sameer was still standing there with confused face may be my words left an impact on his mind.
I knew I am not in a stable position or mind to talk with him and clear things so I quietly picked my second bag when I heard him "kya matlab mien kuch samjha nahiin".
He clearly doesn’t know that when someone says something which makes no sense then you don’t continue questioning them because it irritates the person further. But this time my emotions wont win, I am clearly not repeating my mistake which I did few minutes back.
I gave him a forced smile and said "kuch cheese na hi samjhi jaye to behtar hai. Anyway, thank you for the room and I promise apko kabhi disturb nahiin karoongi apko ahsaas hi nahiin hoga ki mien yahan rehti bhi hoon bilkul pa"
I stopped realising what I was about to say. I just said emotions won’t win yet I let it. I am surely not in my stable mind I need to correct my mistake fast "mera matlab hai ki bilkul pata nahiin chalega".
I don't know whether I cleared my mistake or not but I just left the place and went to the room as tears were on the verge of flowing down. I closed my room and went straight towards the pillow and hid my face in it and started crying making sure I don't make noise as Sameer might hear it.
Whenever I have cried I had made sure no one saw me or heard me as I don't want people’s sympathy. I don't need sympathy all I need is love which I know I'll never get. I have to live a life without love sometimes I wonder am I that bad?
What irony my life has become I have a decent job, nice home to live, people around me are nice but still no love. I can give up all of these if in return I would receive love. Since childhood I am waiting for love and I feel blessed to get it only in friendship all other relationship be it of father daughter, mother daughter, husband-wife, I failed to get love.
I don't know for how many hours I kept crying thinking over my fate because when Sameer knocked on the door that's when I realised it was evening now.
I quickly wiped my tears and said "kuch kaam tha apko".
"Naina you haven't eaten anything since morning please eat something" Sameer said with a concern voice. I smiled at his caring nature and then within few seconds the smile vanished as well.
Sorry for the delay I had gone out of station and then after returning was occupied by work so couldn't manage to write an update..... but next update will be soon....
Happy Holi Guys...
Eagerly Waiting for your review, feedback or comments.....